So i just ditched the new boy that entered my life a mere two months ago. I suppose that was a good achievement compared to the bloke i dumped after two weeks, after which i took a three year hiatus from relationships.
Amazingly i had much to learn, even though he was the greenhorn. (Which guy does not know that in a relationship, it is more emotional for women, and more physical for men?? Apparently this guy does not know that.)
A string of lessons for me to learn, some so simple i can’t stop internally berating myself for my stupidity. I am tempted to re-test my IQ given the depth of my stupidity that has gotten me quite appalled.
1. I thought i could go out with a guy who is inexperienced (read: no prior girlfriends before). Now i am much the wiser. I will die if i ever go out with a boy who has never even touched a woman before. See, i am in the relationship as the GIRLFRIEND, not the TEACHER. And i will no longer tolerate rib-crushing, boop-flattening, breath-squeezing hugs from any males anymore. And no, i am also not in the business of teaching you how to handle a woman with precious care. Wtf.
2. The boy must love himself. This is one of the ultimate all-or-nothing laws for me now. A boy that whinges that he is fat and then binges at KFC and then refuses to go join a sport or hit the gym with me, is a crazy urn. Paunches are off-putting. Mate, if you can’t see your pubes when you stare down at your feet, you had better drop those flab.
3. The boy must be comfortable in his own body! A boy that keeps wanting to jump into bed and yet turns red and freezes when he tries to kiss me is such a turn off, it is cruel. So much so, one day i asked him point blank if he can drop his decks and strut in front of me buck naked without feeling self-conscious. He backed off. Pfffff….
4. He must be able to DRIVE! My ex drove so badly that one night i wondered why a seemingly intelligent woman like myself would actually sit in his car knowing full well that one of these days we are gonna crash and i will be one of those patients i see on the damn gurney. My ex speeds madly to impress me, and on one stormy night after i felt the car skidded, i calmly advised him to perhaps slow down. He snapped at me and a few minutes later the car’s safety feature flashed that the tyres were not gripping the road properly. Bless Mitsubishi. And oh did i mention, i had to drive to foreign places because he gets too nervous on unfamiliar roads??
5. Dreams baby, dreams. I need a guy who dreams big, not a guy who recoils in shock when i said i am intending to buy a house in an upclass area and that my children will go to private schools. And certainly not one that is contented with his DESK job, which is about to prematurely end anyway in less than a month because the company has gone bust!
6. My ex has never traveled, and he has no desire to either. He thinks his little town is the centre of the whole damn world. God, how ignorant.
7. My guy has to be a MAN. He will make decisions and he will be confident about it. He will be independent and he will have his own circle of friends. He will not eat takeaway because he is too self-conscious to eat in a restaurant (???); he will not make excuses about his immaturity and inexperience and blame it on me for being too demanding. ???
Now the massive warning signs along the way that i blatantly ignored…
1. When i cringe and squirm away from the male because i did not want him to touch me. And i thought i was just not use to him. *rolls eyes*
2. When i can cuddle and kiss my pooches and tell them how much i love them and how precious they are, and yet can barely bring myself to text the bloke “i miss you” because i don’t.
3. When i have to be the grandmaster of conversation for the both of us because my counterpart is too shy, and wants to go home at 10pm when we are at parties.
4. When he brought us to KFC on our first date. (This is one of the head-banging signs i ignored. KFC???)
5. And the ultimate deal clincher – when i realized that i never want this ignoramus to ever be the father of my children.