somehow along the way, i have started thinking the worst of people. i think it was to cushion me from the disappointment when it hits. but this negativity is starting to eat at me. and now not only am i thinking the worst of people (or rather, specific personalities) when they behave stupidly, i am extrapolating and speculating on their future behaviour. which is pretty dumb, given it may not even happen that way, but worse the emotional negativity lingers on and intensifies.
as usual, it is around my soccer team. i have never thought i have a problem with authority until now… i realized i don’t want to listen to the coaches. i don’t trust them – and that’s the whole issue. i can’t seem to respect anyone who don’t behave logically or reasonably. yet others seem to not have a problem with it. why? is it because i’m a non-conformer, and i am not a dumb sheep like everyone else? but to say so would mean that the rest of my team are sheep? how can that be?? otherwise no one seems to be taking soccer as seriously as i am. and i suspect this is one of the myriad of issues i am struggling with. i am treating soccer as seriously as i am regarding my work.
i am excited about tomorrow yet i am already crestfallen. i am the goalkeeper of my team, but after incessant nagging, the coaches finally relented and allow a secondary keeper. there were conditions…from me. each keeper will play half the match as keeper and the other half on the pitch. i am excited about going on the pitch. but the sad part is, i will not be surprised if i am benched and not allowed to run on the pitch. and it ain’t because my skills are terrible (most of the team is made up of beginners so there is not such thing as crap players), but sometimes i feel the coaches don’t let me play on the field lest i prove to them that i am of greater benefit running on the pitch than at the back of the line. they are afraid of losing their keeper. and this is the problem. i really like being goalkeeper. but i also like running on the pitch. apparently these two criteria make it very difficult to comprehend.
anyway the point is, i need to stop this. this constant to-and-fro in my head. it is driving me mad and it is making me incredibly unhappy. bottom line is i need to suck it up and do what the coaches say. i know, we can easily move on to another club if this one sucks big time right? unfortunately i set up this club with a group of friends and this is one of the things that i have witnessed in other clubs and did not want in my club. so i can’t just up and go. i have to patiently work this through. argh. i really marvel and appreciate those clubs who have a rotational policy in place for their development teams (i totally get it if there ain’t any rotation policy for the competitive teams who aim to move up their divisions), after all the only way to develop a player is to get them playing on the field and not benched. but coaches seem to lose sight of our initial goals and just want to win. men, especially, it seems, are massive culprits.
i need to think the best of people. it is kinder to them and to myself. i may be disappointed, but if the course of action is unalterable, then i am going to be disappointed either way, so i might as well be happy right?
except…except i hate being a doormat and being led by someone who i don’t think is more competent than me.
this is getting nowhere.
tomorrow just come already. i need closure.
this is sad.
Yuppie, please get a grip. Just enjoy the game. Wtf.