Sitting in Starbucks
On a cool evening
Sipping some white chocolate mocha
Waiting for a friend
Reading my medical journal
Loving this beautiful ambience
Always reminds me of airports
Starbucks and airports
Strange but wonderfully nostalgic
Thinking of my travel
Early Tuesday morning
Can’t help but feel a flutter of excitement
10 days in the Homeland
Then 3 weeks on board a medical ship in a third world country
Educating the local doctors
Doing my part to contribute back to society
Can’t knock the smile off my face.
I think my mum is suffering from empty nest syndrome
A second time.
Out of the blue
She tells me she feels she has failed
Because she has not provided enough for us.
Like where is this coming from???
This from a person,
Who single-handedly paid off my medical school fees
And the university fees of my brother.
It’s no small amount I can assure you.
It’s because I told her of the Boyfriend
And she now feels she will be relegated to the sidelines.
Not quite sure what else I can do
Aside from providing loads of reassurance.
Anyhow I will be back in the Homeland
In less than a week
So that should help…
Woke at half past 2 in the morning,
And decided to work on my finances for this month.
Doubt I will get another chance before the month ends
Given it is a busy week,
Always has been,
Before I’m due to take off.
I’m not saving enough.
Despite working extra shifts.
I got taxed a quarter of the salary I worked for my locum shifts.
I’m so frustrated.
And my greatest expenses come from all the bloody college fees and medical registration fees.
I need to pick up more locum shifts.
Why the hell do I have to work so hard.
For Christ’s sake.
Doctors don’t make enough money.
Yet everyone assumes we are.
I’m so frustrated.
The weekend flew past in a blink of an eye.
I did not even get some rest.
Friday I had to attend a course till 9.30pm.
Saturday the same course.
Sunday was spent helping out at my soccer club,
Again the whole day.
So it’s official today.
The Boy and I decided to be mutually exclusive.
Upgraded to Boyfriend.
I’m so scared.
What if this doesn’t work out too?
I will really lose all hope in mankind.
And my heart will really break this time.
Because this time,
I’m falling head over heels for this guy.
If I want to stop
I have to do it now
Otherwise it will be too late.
I wanted to delay the decision
Till I get back from overseas in 6 weeks.
But it suddenly dawned on me
That if I’m so hesitant
Somehow when I get back
The Boy may not be there anymore
Because his gestures were not reciprocated.
Whose fault will that be?
So now it’s official.
The close friends all got a text.
Facebook will remain silent.
Hints will be dropped at dinner conversations
So good friends will get the heads up.
Already it seems
I’m starting to be accepted into circles not open to singles.
“Shall we go on a double date?”
This should be fun. 🙂
Was invited to attend a course,
Apparently only a select few were invited.
I feel thrilled,
At the same time I wonder,
Is it cos they want to ramp up my responsibilities
Right at the start of next year?
Not sure I really want that to happen so quickly.
First day of the course,
I have learnt heaps.
“Over managed and Under led”
That’s exactly what’s happening.
“Introverted intuition with extroverted feeling”
Loving the accuracy of the statement.
I realize now that i have not had personal development in some time,
And I really appreciate this course.
I’m very surprised that I can actually extrapolate it to activities outside my life!
Perhaps I should be more proactive
And arrange such courses once a year.
They are very helpful.
Should recognize it.
The lack of responses.
3 years of my life.
Such brilliant times we had.
Saw this coming.
But thought our friendship could shoulder it.
But then felt,
Is this real if I choose to avoid it
Because I know it will shatter?
3 years of my life.
And it comes to this.
All to naught.
Why couldn’t we exercise more common sense
Or be a little stronger.
Tonight I knew
It’s time to move on.
I didn’t know it would hurt so bad.
I underestimated myself.
I’m on the first step to burning all our bridges.
What the fuck am I doing.
These tears that surprised me.
Came as fast as they stopped.
This must be the saddest night.