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Monthly Archives: September 2012

Been cracking my head over the decision
To return to the Homeland to work
Or to stay in the Workland
I know that eventually we have to make a choice
Between family and career
But i have never ever thought it would be
This stark, blunt or final.

I made up my mind
To return to the Homeland
And started making arrangements
To renovate my parents’ house to accommodate the additional occupants
To import my dogs into the Homeland

And I was slightly taken aback
The locals are as rude
But this time,
With bad English.
And it dawned upon me that this was probably happening everywhere.

My relatives and my own parents
Urged me to stay in the Workland where the lifestyle is much better
I drew up a list of pros and cons
The pros of returning home far outnumbered the cons

I met up with married friends
And gradually realized that
The emptiness in one’s life
Can only resolve with a sense of purpose.
The emptiness occurs even in my married friends’ lives
But they have little time to dwell
Because they have young ones to care for.
This was a recurring theme I have noticed.

True I will be happier if I return to the Homeland
I will be busy as,
Lining my days with soccer and volunteering with the Police Force
But I know when the thrill ends,
And I’m bored again,
The emptiness will be back to haunt me.
By then, I will be in a deeper mess
Because my career will be in shambles.
Choosing to return means giving up an increasingly coveted spot in the Workland’s physician training program
And running the real risk of not getting selected in the Homeland’s training program.

So I have to recreate a sense of purpose
And slowly whittle out what keeps me going.
I intend to take up a Masters,
In Bioethics
And hopefully Criminology.

I looked up the Army
And to my delight realized I qualify to be a reservist Army doctor.
I will give that a go.

I need to regain my religion too.
Born a Catholic
Raised as one
But living as none.
I need to stop running away.
I found a group
I’m eager to meet
Maybe then I will finally find someone who shares similar values
Instead of the string of jerks I have been dating.

I still felt sad
The ultimate decision to stay in the Workland.
My heart is shrieking in pain
But my head is nodding solemnly
I’m not one ruled by my heart
And it has served me well.
I notified the hospital
And they are sending out my contract for renewal.

Then an hour ago,
I received an email from the company that handles dog importing.
My bigger dog cannot be imported into the Homeland.
She’s a Staffordshire Terrier cross
The Homeland lumped this breed with pit bulls and considers them dangerous.

And I was mighty relieved I did not choose to return.
Kel has been with me through medical school and more.
It will kill me to give her up.
So this is a sign from up above
My decision is right.

Thank you.

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Broke up with The Boyfriend,
This was even quicker than I thought.

A few girlfriends prowled through his FB
And discovered photos
Looking at them
I realized the vast difference between our worlds

He admitted that he isn’t likely to change
I’m his first white collar girlfriend
I don’t think he is used to such tenacity and honesty
I suspect,
It is also the first time he is forced to reflect on his life’s values.

I have seen players in my life
Some are my friends
And I cannot understand how they can behave like this
Just surviving on quenching their body needs from day to day.
Makes me envious sometimes!
I wonder what the hell I am holding out for.

I had some long serious chats with my girlfriends.
And it feels like I have never left the Homeland.

There’s an elephant in the room.
And I’m not good enough, blind enough, or ignorant enough to leave it alone.
I need to talk about it.
But he’s not broaching the topic.
This is leading to a ruinous end
Because I can feel my resentment building.

It made me think
And I understood why now.
All these years I chose not to let anyone be close to me
Boy or girl
Because I hate these feelings of limbo
Of fucking elephants crowding my headspace
It drains me
So I chose to be an emotional loner.

Love is not straightforward.
It’s not risk free
Before or after marriage
Before or after children
Death will do us part
Then the secrets will leak from the grave.
So then tell me,
Why is 75% of the population committing themselves to this union?
Why should i do the same,
And when I don’t,
Suffer the judgement of these other fools?

So here we are again,
At the same familiar crossroads.
I’m rather sick of it.
I choose the same path all the time,
Though I think of straying on occasions.
Unfortunately, some values are deep-rooted,
Though I’m unsure of the rationale behind it.

I may be too easy at times,
So I send my girlfriends to help in my stead.
And the digging has revealed pertinent questions,
My hand was forced
And difficult questions had to be asked via text.
And values revealed via messages.

I’m rather sick of this.
Relationships are too difficult.
And I will be 4 weeks incommunicado.
This is really not the ideal time to pull such shit.

Dear Lord,
Can we really trust people these days?
People and their needs.

This leap of faith is not enjoyable.
This courtship business is not fun
Can I trust a reformed wild party animal?

I have waited 3 hours for my connecting flight.
I have another hour to kill.

And I feel so much for a beer.
In fact it will probably satisfy my curiosity
Of watching those American movies
Where people always sip cocktails or beers during their wait
I always wondered how that feels.

I’m going for it.
Maybe I will sleep better on the flight,
Not that it takes very much to knock me out!

Spent some time with the Boyfriend at the airport before I left.
I was afraid of the silence that may ensue or the awkwardness,
But I worried in vain
Thankfully.

Dear Lord,
I’m liking this guy more and more
And it’s making me so nervous.

Can our fragile relationship last 5 weeks?