Monthly Archives: November 2012

And I picked my bible up,
Blew off the dust,
Wiped its cover,
And read it
For the first time in 7 years.

And can’t help but think how life has come a full circle.

Loneliness is a poverty of the West.
– Mother Teresa

Why am I shocked that a lot of the questions I have been asking,
Many observations I have made,
Are all in the bible?


It’s remarkable how one day can elevate you to the proudest moment of your career
And then slam you straight down in defeat.

And I tend to focus on the negative.

To the incompetent fool – this is not just a job. Someone’s life is at stake.

I think it’s increasingly evident to me that I’m wearing myself out.
My friends asked first thing when they see me, you look tired.
My memory is not as good,
And I’m certainly not keeping up with my clinical knowledge.
It’s making me look like a retard beside my co-resident.

On one hand I know it’s the locum shifts I’m picking up.
On the other, I was functioning pretty well till I started this renal rotation.
I have been forced to do so many hours of unpaid overtime,
It’s maddening.
Every day I’m staying back at least an hour over time,
And this is frustrating and killing me.
This precious time that I waste on the wards,
Because the reg insists on doing EVERYTHING TOGETHER,
Because the reg is a workaholic and whom I suspect is lonely and therefore compensates by not leaving the hospital,
Because handing tasks over to the cover doctor is not exactly encouraged,
Is really giving me the shits.

I’m so angry.

The problem is compounded by the fact that my co-resident completely agrees with the reg
So I’m forced to do the same.
It really is getting increasingly difficult to have a work-life balance.
Medicine will never be my main priority in life.
I’m not impressed with doctors who think they are superb because they make medicine the centerpiece of their lives.

For the first time in my life,
I’m thinking of leaving the hospital system to become a GP.

Something is going to have to give.
And I’m making damn sure it ain’t my sanity.

So a friend wrote an X-ray referral.
And I impersonated as my own doctor
To get my results.
Seriously I’m not spending $60 to see my general practitioner just to get a result and further management plan.
I have the utmost respect for GPs,
Their work is challenging
But at this point in time,
I think I have slightly more experience in dealing with sports injuries.
Also I was not able to get an appointment till Wednesday
And there’s no way I’m waiting till then to find out if I have a fracture.
Anyway I don’t.

After footing an exorbitant price for a mere X-ray
Which my extremely pricey private health insurance does not cover
(Oh because it’s outpatient not inpatient,
Why am I paying top cover again?)
And the government only subsidize less than half
(Now I understand why the emergency departments are chocker block all the time,
Because the services EDs provide are free!)
I rushed to apply for Medicare.

When one is young,
One ignores Medicare until one needs it.
Even the person processing my application caught on
And laughed
Because I came straight from the radiology department to the Medicare department.

So X-ray done.
Medicare application done.
Medicare refund done.

And since I was at the mall
I might as well get my eyes checked
Since Medicare pays for the eye exam
(My private health insurance does not)
But I get two frames worth $350 for only $15
Because this time my private health pulls through but Medicare doesn’t.
What intricacy.

So my sight deteriorated.
I noticed it a few months ago when I was playing futsal.
I was missing all the balls
Because I kept misgauging the heights.

Anyway there was this particularly funky red frame that I absolutely love.
But I could not get it.
No one will take me seriously in the hospital.
Maybe the only ones who will approve of this frame
Are the young nurses in my hospital.

Can you imagine an 80year old trusting me?
I already look young enough
And have to walk around with a huge name badge declaring that I’m a doctor
Or everyone else keeps assuming I’m the student,
Including the locum consultant.

So I settled on the same frame in navy blue,
Which was a notch down in intensity.
Really like it.
Can’t wait to get my new specs in two weeks!

Now to arrange for a dental appointment!

Yesterday after preseason
I suddenly had a bizarre thought hit me
That if I get seriously injured,
I will be utterly devastated
Cos i will waste a perfectly good preseason to train.
That was probably because I had such a good time at the new club
And everything was going well.

Then guess what?
At a futsal game after the training
I was greedy
And wanted to push myself.
I was defending and could have easily kicked the ball out
But I didn’t
Because I wanted the ball.
I was trying to upskill.
Somehow I rolled my ankle
And felt it strain.
Thank god I didn’t hear a fucking snap.

The pain was incredible.
I never felt such pain my life.
I stayed on the ground,
The pain taking my breath away.
Then I tried to sit up,
And had to fall back to the ground,
My face on the turf
Because by golly,
The pain was excruciating!

My teammates tried to help me up
But I told them not to.
I had to walk,
I had to.
All the while
I was thinking of the Ottawa ankle rules.
If I can walk
It’s less likely a fracture.
I was worried.
I didn’t want to give up the entire season.
That will be the end of my soccer.
Nearing 30 and sitting the whole season out?
It will be impossible to re-attain all the skills I have painstakingly acquired.

I could walk.
But now the pain is really killing me.
Do people reconstruct lateral ligaments?
I wonder if I should ask for an MRI.
Maybe a referral to a sports doctor?

I’m so fucking disappointed.
I hope this takes 3-4 weeks.
Now I am glad I’m rostered alternate weeks working late.
It gives me a legitimate reason to rest my ankle
Because i know with the excess time I otherwise have
That’s what I won’t be doing.

But now I also see the wisdom of agility exercises.
I discredited it initially.
But I see its importance now.
The speed ladder is gonna come out from its dusty resting place now.

Today I joined another soccer club,
For preseason training.
I very nearly turned tail and left.

I sat in my car watching the team train.
Feeling like a pedophile.
Wondering why I keep doing this to myself.
Asking myself why am I constantly hanging myself out on the line.
Why can’t I just be content?

I watched the team train.
All the players were really young.
Early twenties, maybe not even.
20 more like.
I’m 26 turning 27 soon.
I feel like a dinosaur.

I saw them work through their drills.
And I thought what the hell,
Before anyone sees me,
I’m going to turn around and drive back home,
And wait for the team with older women to start their preseason.

But I like the coaches’ training.
I like the drills.
I like the fact that they started preseason so early,
That they understood some players needed that extra bit
To get a fighting chance.
It also tells me about the attitude of the club,
That they ain’t gonna be worried about their players burning out and not showing up.
It speaks of discipline and commitment.

And I like their approach.
This was an established club from juniors to seniors.
This will be the first year they start a women’s and girls team.
I like that they have established juniors team.
It means they have the policies and experience in place to manage players of all abilities,
And the communication skills to deal with all the parents.

And I feel less intimidated that they don’t have established seniors teams
Otherwise I will feel pressured to perform
Instead of focusing on developing my skills first.
I will be on the pioneering team.
I have been there and done that.
Can I know do it again
This time with a club who seems to have got it right after twenty years?

Am I too optimistic?